Shybi 3.0

I'm looking for advice. I've been in a het marriage nearly 20 yrs, and have been wanting to get out of it for most of it. I'm still legally married to D, but we are both very honest with each other and accept that we can see other people, and he knows if I could afford to do it, we would be divorced by now.

He has never wanted to get divorced though, he basically lives off my income and only has health insurance because of my job. We have 3 kids, aged 17, 14, and 6. (The 6 yr old is his but we were strictly in a coparents role long before she came along and it was because I was getting too old to have more kids and wanted another, and had had no luck meeting people - because guess what, it's really hard to meet people when you are still stuck with a live in husband!)

He has started dating our former daycare provider (she is really nice) and now, finally, he is open to getting divorced. Part of the reason I can't push for a divorce is because I'm not willing to give him any custody of the kids. At this point this only matters for my 6 yr old, my older kids can make up their own mind. I don't mind if he spends time with them after we get divorced, as much as he wants, but I do not want him to have legal entitlement to have them X percent of the time.

I told him that if the divorce paperwork:
- states neither of us have to pay any alimony to each other
- frees him from all child support - so he never has to pay a penny towards their upkeep
- grants me 100% custody
then I will give him a no-contest divorce

I realize that leaves me with all the costs of their upbringing but realistically that's been on me for years, and getting him to move out and be financially independent would actually greatly improve my finances, whereas right now we are barely making ends meet because he earns so little as a part time handyman and he won't look for an actual job. We live in Northern Virginia so the cost of living doesn't help matters. We are stuck here at least another year for my eldest to finish high school.

I guess I am just asking if there is something I haven't thought of? Has anyone gone through a divorce with custody issues and can tell me "yes but what about...?"

I mean for one thing he could grant me the divorce but then refuse to move out, which is quite likely because he has nowhere to go and no means to support himself, but at least then I would not be legally tied to him, which I would still consider a huge success.

What a situation you're in! Why does he not look for actual job that provides a reliable income? Is he sick? IF he has no reliable income to support himself, then, you're right that he would very much likely stay with you even if you get the divorce that you've been wanting for. Or, if he moves out, you will end up paying more alimony to him. What was his response about your no contest divorce terms? The terms are on your side 95%. I don't know your husband, but, whether he's cunning or not, I'd be surprised if he agrees with granting you 100% custody. Another thing, freeing him from all child support has cons. What happens if you fall in financial hardship? Do you have a back up plan? I'm just trying to wear your shoes the way I think and share my opinions here. I am curious what lawyers usually say about situations like yours.

That sounds really tricky. I'm in the UK so not the best person to advise but can I ask why you wouldn't want to share custody?

Regardless of child support, he will have to look for a job which allows him to support himself otherwise struggling to see how else will this work? He won't even be able to properly fund dates with his gf if he can't pay his bills. You don't say if you own a property together which makes a difference too. From his perspective divorce doesn't look beneficial...no financial support from you and no custody.

The best thing would be to agree the way forward i.e. he moves out in return for no childcare costs. In terms of alimony, would he need to pay this if his income is so much lower than yours? Best thing is to get yourself proper legal advice.

Wishing you lots of luck.

Thanks so much for weighing in! All good questions. He's lazy, is basically the tl;dr answer to all of it. Too lazy to work full time, to get the kid to school on time, to remember to give her a jacket on cold days (to the point where the teacher texts us repeatedly when I am out of town to say that my 1st grader is not properly dressed for outdoor recess), I don't have anyone else to help when I'm working long hours and I do my best to minimize work travel, but whenever he is with the kids he needs a lot of supervision to make sure their basic needs are being met. I know if he had custody, even a few hours a week where I was legally compelled to leave my 6 yr old with him without being able to instruct him, a lot of that time she'd be neglected and I would hate myself for signing anything that put her in that situation. If I get 100% custody then he can absolutely come over every day and spend time with her, but I would still be able to ensure she's being properly fed/getting enough sleep/dressed warmly/all of it.

(Also, full disclosure, I have anxiety about my kids' welfare so I know some of this is my skewed perspective, they aren't actually lacking for food or shelter, it's not abuse, he's just lazy and selfish - I mean just the fact he's gone so many years refusing to work and refusing to grant me a divorce when he knows how trapped and unhappy I am is proof enough to me that he's not a decent human being. I would never leech off someone like that, knowing how I'd basically held them back and taken their chance of happiness for nearly two decades.)

He is capable of full time work, he's physically healthy and strong, and has a degree, certs, good experience, refs etc. He won't get an office job because he says it's cruel to force him into a 9-5 where he will be bored. If I am forced to pay him alimony he'll go the rest of his life tooling around taking naps, doing his woodwork and metal work hobbies, playing video games etc. He's an only child and he's basically just spoiled.

He could do a more physical job like EMT but where we live it's a starvation wage. If he agrees to this divorce though, I do think he will accept that he will need to start supporting himself and he'll get some kind of job. This almost-girlfriend thing is the first thing ever to make him think about making the effort, because as you say Bookworm, there's no "what's in it for me" otherwise for him - and ultimately he will need a pension so it will be good for him to be on his own and have to work.

To answer the other qus we don't own property (too expensive here) and he can keep his truck his dad bought him, so no issues there. I'm just worried that the almost-girlfriend is keeping him at arms length and that means it will fall through before he can initiate talking to a lawyer.

Hi Lillianna,

Sorry for coming back so late to reply but reading through I can't see why he would want to make any changes. He really doesn't need to so unless a reasonable conversation works, you will have to take some action to get things to change.

If you divorced and he needed to then find a job, would he even want custody sering as all of a sudden he'll he to manage his life as well?

You definitely do need legal advice esp in terms of what would happen if there was neglect when in his custody, although note that you also state you have anxiety around welfare. I guess I would personally go by what is best for my child ie my mental health and how big the threat is to this failing and therefore, my ability to parent in the best possible way V how big the threat is that he really won't be able to look after your child's basic needs for a few hours. She is 6 so old enough to let you know if things are not OK?

It's difficult when kids are involved so I do sympathise but don't assume that the worst scenarios are the certainties. It could be he may not want custody at all or he may step up when pushed to operate as a responsible adult.

I think it's going sorta well? The almost-girlfriend has cooled off, I think he is accepting that she's just not into him, but also harboring hope that she just won't entertain a relationship while he is still married? But he is still talking about "what are you going to do when I'm gone?" as if he genuinely is still wanting to move forward with a divorce. We shall see. He is on board with having no legal custody, with the 'gentleman's agreement' that he can still see the kids every day, which I am fine with - but I did tell him him having to pay no child support is a similar agreement in that I still expect him to contribute financially to their upkeep, I just know I won't ever be able to legally compel him to do so - and let's face it, like you said Bookworm, he'll have enough on his plate setting himself up on his own and being financially independent. Even when talking about the costs of a no-contest divorce he is speaking as if it's his money too, he is SO used to treating my income as his own money, I had to remind him everything that costs money about the divorce will be me covering it all.

Good news that it's heading in right direction. Sounds like he's got man child syndrome and I'm so sick of seeing so many around. I try not to do man bashing but sometimes, that's a challenge.

I also got the 'What are you going to do when I'm not around' comment. Have sex with women was the answer in my head, which I retained in my head. But honestly, everything I'd already been doing on my own.

Keep going.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes for you.