Shybi 3.0

I love my job. I work at a further education (post 16) college. I’m also one of several LGBTQ+ advocates for the department and I wear a rainbow lanyard as part of this role. I’ve taken a level 2 distance learning course in LGBT inclusion in the workplace and been very vocal about it on Facebook and at work. But.. aside from my one friend at work, who also came out as bi when I told her, and my manager when I filled out an equality form, no one knows I’m bisexual. I’m married to a man, so apart from the odd unguarded remarks I don’t mention it.

And there’s a good reason for that too. I love my work. Did I mention that? But sometimes my colleagues aren’t as liberal minded as they should be. Someone I work with said out loud in front of our class that you’re either straight or you’re gay and that she can’t be bothered with all this pronoun nonsense. Others joked about identifying as a toaster and taking each other to the toilets to see if they could be bi. Hilarious.

I sometimes test the waters with people who I think would be accepting. Problem is word gets out very fast. I think I’ll stay in this cosy cupboard for longer.

Are you out at work? How did people react? And if you aren’t how does that feel?

I was lucky in the sense when I told people I was married they all said we thought you were gay. So when I told people I was getting divorced and I am with a woman, it wasnt a great surprise. I always tested the water before that and could have said more a long time ago.

I arent as bothered if people dont like me for who I am now. What other people think of me is none of my business

This is my first permanent position, I’ve always been a temp or had fixed term contracts before. So it’s not as though if I tell everyone and it goes badly that I can just go and get another job. I probably could with my experience now, but I wouldn’t want to. I want to stay at this place until I retire. So what people think of me and how they act around me is very important to me. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Which is really frustrating as it means hiding a part of who I am.

I worked in the music industry for 40 years (I'm retired as of 2020) so it was easy to be out, but for some in the biz it was a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

Out to my closest work friend but not to everyone else. It's too private, not their business and not sure how I'd even broach the subject.

I think as you settle in and carve out your place, you'll put a little less importance on what people think of you. Maybe that's the time to assess if you want to be out and to who.

I’ve been there 5 years.

Well! That's a long time. It's really your choice. What do you think you miss out on by everyone not knowing?

I'm out to the one person who really knows me. The rest just think they do and I'm not interested in telling them about that part of my private life. Perception is important to me too and if I think I will lose control of the narrative then I'm not interested in feeding into it. I work with a lot of young guys and I don't want my sexuality becoming part of the Friday night pub chat. If there were more women and the culture slightly less oafish, then I think I'd be happier to disclose. It's not that I can't bat back responses to the guys, I can and do and they keep in check as they know they'll get a good bite back if they go over the line. It's more that I don't feel they have enough value to me to know me to that level. They're colleagues, not my friends.

I've found people more accepting of the LGB and less the T. So just because they have an issue with pronouns doesn't necessarily mean they would judge you as a bisexual. Although, fully understand why you would not choose to share with people making such comments.

There are only a few close people who know I'm bi. Definitely NOT anybody who is connected to me in my working life. My sexuality is very personal to me and I have never felt the need to display or announce it. I enjoy a good social and private life as a single girl and very much into short-term or casual relationships with either gender. My attitude is that it's not really significant in other peoples' lives who I choose to date, just like it's not an issue for me whether my Indian coworker is Hindu, Sikh or atheist.

I do think though that Bookworm hit the nail on head when mentioning the 'Friday night pub chat'.

I was quietly out at my previous job. Directly to a few people I was particularly close to, and then I had some rainbow accessories that I know at least some people picked up on.

My current job, no. I WFH now and it just isn't a subject that comes up. The 3 people I work closest with know I have kids and that I'm going through a divorce, so they probably assume I'm straight.

I was out to one person, but she is no longer there. Another I also worked with at my previous job, and I have no idea what she thinks. I mean, we worked pretty closely for a long time, and she'd have to be pretty oblivious to not pick up on it, but it's not something we've ever discussed, and again, husband and kids are overly effective camouflage. There is one person, who is close to the person who left, who I wouldn't be surprised if she suspects something. But she isn't someone I interact with closely or at a non-professional level.

I had to upload a picture for the directory, and chose a somewhat masc leaning one, but that's all anyone has to go on, and that's assuming they go look at the directory.

I'm not really trying to hide. Just there's no context for it to come up.

(Except one of the three I work closest with is a major gossip who goes to Bible Study, so I am somewhat circumspect about what I share with her.)

moonbynight wrote: ↑Tue May 30, 2023 11:47 pm ...I'm not really trying to hide. Just there's no context for it to come up...

In other words, don't ask, don't tell.