Do you like being touched unexpectedly?

[satehen]

I feel bad for even mentioning this, but I’m wondering if I’m alone here. I’ve been married for 13 years and with him for 21 years. I’m 42 and he’s 41. In most respects happily married, still find him attractive, still love spending time with him and although my sex drive isn’t great I do still enjoy sex. But this has been bugging me lately. Sometimes he’ll say something that’s a sexual innuendo and it just annoys me. Or he’ll spank my ass while I’m bent over picking something up and instead of being titillated I just feel annoyed that he’s touched me when I wasn’t expecting it. Or when he gets into bed and I’m dropping off to sleep he’ll start touching me and I just feel so angry. Not the desired effect!
I thought at first I was becoming prudish in my old age, but then I was fascinated watching a documentary on escorts and not at all shocked by one cleaning herself off after a pearl necklace. So if that doesn’t bother me I can’t be a prude. I just feel like even though we’re married I still feel the need to have my own personal space and for my body to be my own.

[RedRosa]

...I just feel like even though we’re married I still feel the need to have my own personal space and for my body to be my own.

It seems to me that this is the crux of the matter. When I was living with my boyfriends they took the same liberties and I submitted without protest although I resented it (one of these boyfriends thought it was okay to walk in on me while I was peeing!) So, no, I don't think this is uncommon.

[Mintcake]

To answer your question, I guess it depends on the person who is doing the touching and most importantly the circumstances. You and hubby have been together 21 years which to me is an absolute lifetime, so maybe it's a question of familiarity. If an attractive bi woman or lesbian you casually knew made such an innuendo, would it annoy you?

I do agree with you that if someone started to touch you as you're dropping off to sleep, it would totally annoy the hell out of any woman!

The pearl necklace thing is wonderful, by the way! Much much safer and baby free haha.

[satehen]

It seems to me that this is the crux of the matter. When I was living with my boyfriends they took the same liberties and I submitted without protest although I resented it (one of these boyfriends thought it was okay to walk in on me while I was peeing!) So, no, I don't think this is uncommon.

Thankfully he doesn’t do that, but if I didn’t lock the door while showering he probably would. I feel like my body isn’t my own. I like that he still finds me attractive but I also like consent!

[satehen]

To answer your question, I guess it depends on the person who is doing the touching and most importantly the circumstances. You and hubby have been together 21 years which to me is an absolute lifetime, so maybe it's a question of familiarity. If an attractive bi woman or lesbian you casually knew made such an innuendo, would it annoy you?

Probably not now that you mention it. I think I’d be annoyed as hell if a man did, but not a woman.

[freedompunk]

I hate unexpected touching. I'm a bit skittish and I jump out of my skin. I especially hate tickling. Tickle me once I will fire off a warning shot. Tickle me twice you're 6 feet under and I'm serving a life sentence even though it was clearly self-defence. Neither of us are going to be happy with that scenario. Let's just keep our hands to ourselves. Safety first.

[satehen]

I hate unexpected touching. I'm a bit skittish and I jump out of my skin. I especially hate tickling. Tickle me once I will fire off a warning shot. Tickle me twice you're 6 feet under and I'm serving a life sentence even though it was clearly self-defence. Neither of us are going to be happy with that scenario. Let's just keep our hands to ourselves. Safety first.

I hate being tickled! Fortunately I’m only ticklish in one place (behind my knees), so I don’t tell anyone.

[moonbynight]

I'm way overthinking this one.

There's being touched unexpectedly, and then *touched* unexpectedly, in the sexual sense.

I feel touch, any touch, very intensely. I wouldn't say I don't like being touched - I think I like physical contact at least as much as anyone else. But I don't like being touched, even when I expect it, except by people I don't mind feeling intensely towards, which is pretty limited. This is any touch, not specifically sexual. Like the touchy-feely people who want to hug everyone? Not my thing.

So, by extension, I don't like unexpected touch from most people either, though I'm not sure I dislike it significantly more than expected touch (as long as I know the person is there and it isn't startling).

Unexpected non-sexual touch from someone who overall I'm ok with touching me.... I don't think it's a problem as long as I'm aware the person is there so it isn't startling.

I do not like unexpected sexual touch, even from someone I'm otherwise in a sexual relationship with. The experiences I've had with this are upsetting enough that I don't really want to write about examples. It's possible this would be different with the right person and right relationship dynamic - it's not so much the touch itself as that the attitude behind it tends to be possessive and disrespectful of bodily autonomy.

And to get back to the original post... no, I don't like any of the examples you describe and this was a source of conflict in my marriage, so I don't think you're at all unreasonable for not liking it.

I would probably reflexively hit someone who tickled me unexpectedly.

[Silo]

Hate it. But also love it.

I don't like when people touch me without giving obvious cues they're about to touch me and allowing me a chance to decide to accept or step back. By that I mean things hugs from strangers or acquaintances, or putting their hand on my shoulder or arm around me. There are very few people I allow to touch me like that.

I have thick head of hair, and that apparently invites people to run their fingers through it. It's a weird love/hate thing for me on that - my scalp is sensitive and an erogenous zone. I *enjoy* the feeling of someone running their fingers through my hair, but that's also what makes me feel uncomfortable, because of how I enjoy it.

As far as unexpected sexual touch, also hate that too. Especially when I'm trying to sleep. I think I've finally broken DH of that habit, but for a while there I hated that pressure of being half asleep and now I have to perform and pretend I'm 'totally into it'. I'm not, damn it. I wanna sleep. One nice thing we do for the both of us is we have separate rooms for recreation. Both of us gamers, we each have a room of the house with our respective gaming setups - we may play together sometimes, but we get space from one another when we need it.

[Lilianna]

Hate it. But also love it.

I don't like when people touch me without giving obvious cues they're about to touch me and allowing me a chance to decide to accept or step back. By that I mean things hugs from strangers or acquaintances, or putting their hand on my shoulder or arm around me. There are very few people I allow to touch me like that.

I have thick head of hair, and that apparently invites people to run their fingers through it. It's a weird love/hate thing for me on that - my scalp is sensitive and an erogenous zone. I *enjoy* the feeling of someone running their fingers through my hair, but that's also what makes me feel uncomfortable, because of how I enjoy it.

As far as unexpected sexual touch, also hate that too. Especially when I'm trying to sleep. I think I've finally broken DH of that habit, but for a while there I hated that pressure of being half asleep and now I have to perform and pretend I'm 'totally into it'. I'm not, damn it. I wanna sleep. One nice thing we do for the both of us is we have separate rooms for recreation. Both of us gamers, we each have a room of the house with our respective gaming setups - we may play together sometimes, but we get space from one another when we need it.

SO wish we lived somewhere with spare rooms!

I have a work colleague, Susan, who creeps me out and she gave me an unexpected hug recently without giving me an option to back out. It made me nauseated. If I was better at thinking on my feet I could have stepped back or lifted my hands in refusal and said "oh no thanks, i didn't have time to shower this morning!"
She's a big woman, and tall, and she corners me a lot, sidles up to me, stares at me in meetings, I hate it and cannot find a way to get away from her apart from a transfer to another department, which I am working on. I flat out said to my other team member at work that if Susan was a man I would be claiming harassment - but they all just look at me like the problem is ME - because they cannot fathom a woman could legit be genuinely harassing another woman in this way.

I need to psych myself up to be flat out mean to here, but it's hard, we work together on a lot of stuff, and she's so in my face and demanding constant attention and reassurance. I'm just NO good at all with being assertive with people or starting conflict, I just want a quiet life!