I give up!

[420spyjen!]

So I have always been aroused at the thought of being with another woman, and I do mean since as young as I can remember. I have never really looked at a woman and desired her like I would a man, it seems to be only a sexual thing. But there is a very strong religious/guilt problem from my background, I am sure I don't need to explain. I guess this could cause a hindrance. So I was in a VERY ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING marriage for 27yrs. I have been single 5yrs. Last night I went on a date with a dude and for the first time in probably over 50 dates with different men, I finally thought I found one I wouldn't mind going on more dates with but before noon today, my gut was telling me forget it. I am seriously wondering if I can't be ok because I really would be more comfortable with a woman. I was seriously controlled while married, I was not even allowed to have friends. I literally had one friend for a few months in 27yrs!!! I do get almost suicidally depressed because I already spent so long in isolation of sorts and I am so tired of never escaping it!! I was just able to get a job in the last few weeks after not working for years (family member with health issues) Is it just the dating app life or maybe I should seriously explore dating a woman and if so, if one doesn't want to do the app thing, how does one do this?

[Lilianna]

if you figure it out let us know! Apps are so depressing.

[RedRosa]

...Is it just the dating app life or maybe I should seriously explore dating a woman and if so, if one doesn't want to do the app thing, how does one do this?

This may or may not answer your question. Before the pandemic you could meet women at girl bars where there was a D.J. with dancing (sometimes there was a live band.) During the pandemic most of them closed never to re-open (alas,) but a few remain. Maybe there's one or two in your city.

As for dating apps, I never resorted to them until last year. I had 5 dates and all of them were washouts, but the 6th date was a good one, and I've been seeing her casually since then. It's not ideal for me -- she's of a different generation and our intellectual and artistic interests don't overlap. But at my age, it's better than being alone.

The woman I have a crush on and who I correspond with lives 400 miles away and I only get together with her when she's in town. We have much in common, artistically, intellectually and politically, but we don't live in a perfect world.

[Lilianna]

I'd love to find a girl bar but I just seem to find (on google) gay bars that are all for men :/ I'm also worried if I trek into DC in search of one it will just be women in their 20s, and I'll be a creepy old lady being the only person there in my 40s!

[RedRosa]

...I'm also worried if I trek into DC in search of one it will just be women in their 20s, and I'll be a creepy old lady being the only person there in my 40s!

Not necessarily. I didn't become a regular at girl bars until I was in my 50s, and I didn't experience ageism, at least at the places I frequented. Nor are the patrons all 20 something year olds.

If you fins a girl bar, then check it out. It's not that risky.

[moonbynight]

I'd love to find a girl bar but I just seem to find (on google) gay bars that are all for men :/ I'm also worried if I trek into DC in search of one it will just be women in their 20s, and I'll be a creepy old lady being the only person there in my 40s!

My discord with a large DMV contingent recommends https://asyouaredc.com/. And it's a cafe during the day, if you'd rather avoid the bar aspect.

[Orla]

I'd love to find a girl bar but I just seem to find (on google) gay bars that are all for men :/ I'm also worried if I trek into DC in search of one it will just be women in their 20s, and I'll be a creepy old lady being the only person there in my 40s!

Just to put your mind more at ease re: this, the queer women’s bar in my area that I’ve been to multiple times always seemed to have a wide range of ages, and also it’s not just women and enbys but queer male patrons as well. I’ve always gone in the daytime and it’s been fun and chill.I’d say there’s nothing to worry about based on my experience.

My issue right now is that I really want to make more local connections with people I feel a kinship with. I’m not interested in dating right now but I’m really trying to cultivate strong friendships in the local queer community.

[Lilianna]

Dude...thank you! This place looks amazing! they even have speed dating/friending, I've always wanted to try that!

And thanks for the encouragement Orla, I think this whole area is very young (at least the people that leave their house on a friday night anyway!) but I have to try. I hope it works out for you to find kinship and good folk.

[Orla]

And thanks for the encouragement Orla, I think this whole area is very young (at least the people that leave their house on a friday night anyway!) but I have to try. I hope it works out for you to find kinship and good folk.

Thank you. Sometimes it feels hard, wanting something so much. But at least I’m making some attempts to connect via meetups that I’ve joined recently. Also, my bar has mixers too (for friends and for dating) and I’d like to do the friends one! They happen monthly and the one for this month is tomorrow. Unfortunately I have an after work appointment, or I would just say fuck it and go. Next month I’ll be out of town for it, but I can do July. Maybe we should each go to our respective events and be each other’s moral support buddy.

[delevigne-fan]

“Queer” identified women seem to frown on the “bi curious” looking for a sexual encounter to see if she likes it. Eg women who adopt it as a full lifestyle and identity. I think you should do what you want sexually as long as everyone is consenting.

To me while I have some bi attractions I’m not “queer identified” or exclusively lesbian and would be straight at minimum and heteroromantic/flexible or some sort of male preferring bisexual at maximum.
Then again I’ve always known this so I didn’t need to really even confirm this I believe. Your milage my vary.

In other words everyone’s experience is different.

I do recommend though “the ultimatum: queer love” on Netflix. Well it’s a reality show and most of the people on it are not bisexual and they seem to be lesbian, it’s worth watching. You don’t need to be lesbian to watch it and I think I’ve been learning a lot about relationships in general. Despite being bisexual at maximum and some kind of heteroflexible/straight leaning at minimum.