Do you like being touched unexpectedly?

[VirgoGirl]

Hate it. But also love it.

I don't like when people touch me without giving obvious cues they're about to touch me and allowing me a chance to decide to accept or step back. By that I mean things hugs from strangers or acquaintances, or putting their hand on my shoulder or arm around me. There are very few people I allow to touch me like that.

I have thick head of hair, and that apparently invites people to run their fingers through it. It's a weird love/hate thing for me on that - my scalp is sensitive and an erogenous zone. I *enjoy* the feeling of someone running their fingers through my hair, but that's also what makes me feel uncomfortable, because of how I enjoy it.

As far as unexpected sexual touch, also hate that too. Especially when I'm trying to sleep. I think I've finally broken DH of that habit, but for a while there I hated that pressure of being half asleep and now I have to perform and pretend I'm 'totally into it'. I'm not, damn it. I wanna sleep. One nice thing we do for the both of us is we have separate rooms for recreation. Both of us gamers, we each have a room of the house with our respective gaming setups - we may play together sometimes, but we get space from one another when we need it.

SO wish we lived somewhere with spare rooms!

I have a work colleague, Susan, who creeps me out and she gave me an unexpected hug recently without giving me an option to back out. It made me nauseated. If I was better at thinking on my feet I could have stepped back or lifted my hands in refusal and said "oh no thanks, i didn't have time to shower this morning!"
She's a big woman, and tall, and she corners me a lot, sidles up to me, stares at me in meetings, I hate it and cannot find a way to get away from her apart from a transfer to another department, which I am working on. I flat out said to my other team member at work that if Susan was a man I would be claiming harassment - but they all just look at me like the problem is ME - because they cannot fathom a woman could legit be genuinely harassing another woman in this way.

I need to psych myself up to be flat out mean to here, but it's hard, we work together on a lot of stuff, and she's so in my face and demanding constant attention and reassurance. I'm just NO good at all with being assertive with people or starting conflict, I just want a quiet life!

This is so wrong. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean that rules do not partain to her. She should respect your boundaries as well as your personal space. I don't like this at all! You should tell her, set some boundaries and if she persists...well then report her, at least you then gave her a chance to change her behaviour. Don't be scared, its your space and your body!

[Lilianna]

This is so wrong. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean that rules do not partain to her. She should respect your boundaries as well as your personal space. I don't like this at all! You should tell her, set some boundaries and if she persists...well then report her, at least you then gave her a chance to change her behaviour. Don't be scared, its your space and your body!

I love you for saying this, it helps a lot. There's just SO much going on in my work and so many alpha males and aggressive personalities, people look at me like I have 3 heads when I complain but don't stand up for myself. It just means a lot to hear someone say it's not okay.

[VirgoGirl]

I love you for saying this, it helps a lot. There's just SO much going on in my work and so many alpha males and aggressive personalities, people look at me like I have 3 heads when I complain but don't stand up for myself. It just means a lot to hear someone say it's not okay.

Yeah well its not ok. People should not act in this way abd think that its normal and ok...

[MarieGreen]

As I've said on other threads, I've been the victim of some pretty horrible crap in the past so I'm really bothered by unexpected touching. Especially when half asleep. For me it's not just a personal sce issue but a consent issue. Nobody has the right to touch you, even a partner, without your consent.

[MarieGreen]

SO wish we lived somewhere with spare rooms!

I have a work colleague, Susan, who creeps me out and she gave me an unexpected hug recently without giving me an option to back out. It made me nauseated. If I was better at thinking on my feet I could have stepped back or lifted my hands in refusal and said "oh no thanks, i didn't have time to shower this morning!"
She's a big woman, and tall, and she corners me a lot, sidles up to me, stares at me in meetings, I hate it and cannot find a way to get away from her apart from a transfer to another department, which I am working on. I flat out said to my other team member at work that if Susan was a man I would be claiming harassment - but they all just look at me like the problem is ME - because they cannot fathom a woman could legit be genuinely harassing another woman in this way.

I need to psych myself up to be flat out mean to here, but it's hard, we work together on a lot of stuff, and she's so in my face and demanding constant attention and reassurance. I'm just NO good at all with being assertive with people or starting conflict, I just want a quiet life!

You don't need to be mean, but you do need to be firm.

I'd have a few phrases in my back pocket ready which are entirely fair to use.

"Please don't hug me, I find it inappropriate."

"Please don't touch me."

"I don't like being hugged in the workplace."

"Please give me some personal space."

Etc etc. And absolutely if it happens again I would raise it formally. If you genuinely think she's unaware of the impact of her actions, then say that in the complaint but it still doesn't mean you have to put up with her behaviour.

If you want to take it down a less formal route, at least initially, another approach is to have a quiet word and explain the impact on you. I once had someone do this to me when he felt something I'd said was racist. I was horrified and I don't deny it was excruciating but I took his feedback on board, reflected on it and realised how what I'd said had been misconstrued. But that was on me and not him. What I said had the ability to be misinterpreted and it had made him feel uncomfortable so I apologised. By the time I left the company 5 years later, we were great friends and (ironically) his Dad gave m a huge hug at the Christmas do. It wasn't my proudest moment considering it was the first and last time in my life anyone had accused me of something like that but if she is genuinely not cognisant of how it makes you feel, it could work. Then you still have the recourse of a formal complaint if she doesn't change.

[KAtBiRD]

@Lilianna, Oh, Lilianna, that would irk the hell out of me. So much so, I’d probably lose my sh!t! I hope you’re able to find a way to tell her how this makes you feel - I know that’s easier said than done, as I hate making things awkward, even though I ooze awkwardnesss

[letsbefriends1st]

So after reading this thread, I’ve been thinking about this and decided to put in my two cents, even though I’m sure it’s not worth quite that. For me, I’ve been with my husband for a total of 20 years—12 of those being married. To be touched unexpectedly by him is a big turn off—he’s made me feel more of like I’m some sort of sex object meant to exist only for his pleasure and to hell with mine. When I’m in the kitchen or whatever and he just randomly smacks my bum, I feel violated in a way—merely because I didn’t ask for him to touch me but he did anyways.
As for a woman, I have to have some sort of intimate connection with her, whether it be an emotional connection, an intellectual connection or a physical connection to her. And if one of those exists, then there’s obviously some sort of flirting going on and I welcome her unexpected touches as it’s a turn on for me. I can’t fathom some random stranger wanting a hug from me
If I don’t know them on some level.

[KAtBiRD]

I like physical affection whether expected or not, as long as it’s done gently and respectfully, but there are some people that just need to keep their distance. I don’t get touched as much as I’d like to in my life, but I don’t want to be smothered either. When a person that I accept within my bubble touches me, it makes me feel worthy and /or attractive enough to be touched. That probably sounds a little sad and pathetic. Creepo unexpected sexual touches are not welcome. Unexpected sexual touch is reserved for obvious consent…a mutual unspoken flame.

[VirgoGirl]

I like physical affection whether expected or not, as long as it’s done gently and respectfully, but there are some people that just need to keep their distance. I don’t get touched as much as I’d like to in my life, but I don’t want to be smothered either. When a person that I accept within my bubble touches me, it makes me feel worthy and /or attractive enough to be touched. That probably sounds a little sad and pathetic. Creepo unexpected sexual touches are not welcome. Unexpected sexual touch is reserved for obvious consent…a mutual unspoken flame.

That's not sad and pathetic! I like touching too and being touched, it is my love language. But having said that....there's a time and place and a right way of doing things for everything. Timing and respect for the one you love's body is of utter importance. You touch to express deep love.

[VirgoGirl]

I like physical affection whether expected or not, as long as it’s done gently and respectfully, but there are some people that just need to keep their distance. I don’t get touched as much as I’d like to in my life, but I don’t want to be smothered either. When a person that I accept within my bubble touches me, it makes me feel worthy and /or attractive enough to be touched. That probably sounds a little sad and pathetic. Creepo unexpected sexual touches are not welcome. Unexpected sexual touch is reserved for obvious consent…a mutual unspoken flame.

That's not sad and pathetic! I like touching too and being touched, it is my love language. But having said that....there's a time and place and a right way of doing things for everything. Timing and respect for the one you love's body is of utter importance. You touch is to express love and you respect the privilege to touch.