Changes

[RedRosa]

Change is such a cesspool of jumping in but you somehow come out fresh climbing out of it.

I’ve never liked change. Unfortunately even if I was in some dreadful situation, it was MY situation and it was horribly, comfortably familiar.

But my survival instincts are strong.

If you want to evolve you have to go through the metamorphosis. It’s painful. It’s frightening. Sometimes it’s pretty easy and simple.

But I know one thing -- it’s necessary.

This life is hopscotch. You jump from block to block hoping to get somewhere.

The generosity of love, the soothing reassurance of time ( illusion or not), the dread of loss -- it pushes your limbs forward until change is inevitable.

The change of the physical, the altering of the spiritual.

None of it comfortable.

All of it oxygen.

[RedRosa]

I have had a constant awareness all of my life that everything would happen properly just by living. If I just let it happen I will meet everyone necessary to what I need to learn.

As you get older you don’t always want to attach yourself to what might not be happy things. But I still believe that the direction we go in is exactly the direction prewritten for us -- even the bad things. I remember once, as a little girl, during a very specific horrible incident where I was in a state of intense fear, suddenly becoming very calm and in an instant I knew I’d be ok. That bigger and better things would be ahead.

I wasn’t wrong.

[MarieGreen]

I wish I could have faith in that but when you've been through so much pain and victimisation, it's hard to feel that it could be in any way predestined. Otherwise it feels really bloody cruel.

But when I look back at certain events I do sometimes feel like there is an order to them but then at other times there were choices where if I'd *really* spoken out for what I truly wanted, I would I'd taken a different turn and it's hard not to long to see how life would have worked out if I did.

[MarieGreen]

There is also the lefty liberal in me that wonders whether the belief that life should be hard is one perpetrated to keep ordinary people down. While I'm in no way a communist, Marx had a point:

"Die Religion ist das Opium des Volkes"

There is a part of religion which religious or not, seeps into society that suffering is somehow worthy. When actually perhaps we should be getting angry about injustice?

[RedRosa]

I wish I could have faith in that but when you've been through so much pain and victimisation, it's hard to feel that it could be in any way predestined. Otherwise it feels really bloody cruel...

I emphasize with you here -- I was on my own at 16, hooked up with an older man who was killed in a hit and run accident and then I was back on the streets. I had a heroin habit from my late teens through my mid 30s, and when I needed money I peddled my ass. Two women I knew from the scene died of AIDS related illnesses, a third OD'd, and I think it's because I survived and turned my life around that I have this outlook.

[RedRosa]

There is also the lefty liberal in me that wonders whether the belief that life should be hard is one perpetrated to keep ordinary people down. While I'm in no way a communist, Marx had a point:

"Die Religion ist das Opium des Volkes"

There is a part of religion which religious or not, seeps into society that suffering is somehow worthy. When actually perhaps we should be getting angry about injustice?

I have to say that I am in agreement -- the "Red" in Red Rosa doesn't refer to my hair color

It was sheer luck that I got a boost in the music business from my friendship with an artist who I met in his salad days before he hit the big time, and I was able to sign him with the company I worked for after his contract with his previous label expired. So, no, I don't believe in bootstrapping.

I enjoyed the fruits of being part of the professional-managerial class (good salary, good pension) but finally I wasn't suited for it, as I learned during my unhappy final days in the business. In fact, I now despise that class (or at least certain members of it.)

Today, for me, art and social justice are what gives meaning to my life.

[MarieGreen]

I emphasize with you here -- I was on my own at 16, hooked up with an older man who was killed in a hit and run accident and then I was back on the streets. I had a heroin habit from my late teens through my mid 30s, and when I needed money I peddled my ass. Two women I knew from the scene died of AIDS related illnesses, a third OD'd, and I think it's because I survived and turned my life around that I have this outlook.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry.

I was raped by a stranger at 21 (recently imprisoned many years after the offence for a pitiful minimum tariff of 9 years with offences against 10 women) then raped by a boyfriend at 24 when I was asleep to begin with. Then raped by a colleague after my drink being spiked at 36. Every time it was at a point in my life where things were good and I was finally feeling confident. Food and alcohol have been my coping mechanisms to block it out.

How do you have a positive approach when you've been through so much? I have to admit I struggle more than most people know.

[RedRosa]

I was raped by a stranger at 21 (recently imprisoned many years after the offence for a pitiful minimum tariff of 9 years with offences against 10 women) then raped by a boyfriend at 24 when I was asleep to begin with. Then raped by a colleague after my drink being spiked at 36. Every time it was at a point in my life where things were good and I was finally feeling confident. Food and alcohol have been my coping mechanisms to block it out.

Coping with such abuse is a challenge and I can why recovery is going to be long term. I hope you have a support network, because going it alone will be almost impossible.

How do you have a positive approach when you've been through so much? I have to admit I struggle more than most people know.

In my case, it's because I've survived to the age of 68 with only slight damage to my physical and mental health. In the short run I suffer from depression from time to time, but in the long I'm grateful that I'm still above ground.

All I can say is persevere and know that your life is worthwhile and that you are worthy of love no matter what you've been through.

[RedRosa]

Tomorrow I will have experienced my 69th trip around the sun. I honestly didn't think I'd last this long given by youthful unhealthy behavior.

I'm well into Cronehood, and I think I've become wiser for having survived all types of adversity and learned some lessons along the way. Even so, my behavior hasn't been exemplary, but I attained sobriety and helped raise my niece who is now a college professor of history.

I long ago embraced the Punk counterculture and the best of its values like DIY (Do It Yourself,) be true to your vision and rattle the cage of the bourgeoisie (haha!) I'm still rebellious and antiauthoritarian and still a pro labor socialist and still a pagan (or witch if you prefer, but without the supernatural trappings.)

As far as I can tell, I'm the oldest woman posting here, and I don't claim that age makes me smarter, better or more accomplished. There are new obstacles that come with aging, so this link to a paper based on the study of Pagan women may be of interest: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3613855/

Here's an excerpt for those who don't have time to read the whole article: "Two main themes emerging from the data are presented here: 1. The croning ritual is a ritual maker for celebration and entryway into elderwise womanhood and 2. The croning ritual serves as a way for women to gain visibility and validation as aging women in American society. These themes ran throughout each narrative. For the women in this study the croning ritual is paramount, a centralizing and defining identity. The women are reacting to their aging in relationship to this crone archetype; they are a crone or striving to become one... For these women this means having moved into a place (post menarche) of divine old age and wisdom, where the women embrace their aging selves, in addition to their aging bodies. Furthermore, these women, through the ritual of croning, are able to understand their aging as celebration, maintain a positive sense of aging, and reclaim visibility as aging women...These women were able to embed their experiences of aging within a certain spiritual framework that promotes the acceptance of their selves, i.e. their capacity to authentically be and know themselves as Crones."

[Bookworm]

I'm sorry you have both had such difficult lives. The fact that you have tried and are trying to live a life despite it all speaks volumes about your strength. The struggling part in no way diminishes that point. To also then look at it all through a positive lens is inspirational. To find peace within yourself is not always an easy thing to try and achieve.

@RedRosa happy birthday! Wishing you many more years of cronehood.