Not sure I want anything other than to be alone

[MarieGreen]

As those who have PM'd me or read my posts will know, I'm not in the most positive relationship with my (male) partner.

I'm away with him on holiday right now and my son. I'm finding him so irritating. Always waiting for him to wake or get ready. He's overweight yet the most vain person I know. He'll spend ages deciding what jacket to wear for example then fish for complements before we leave.

Two days ago we were all at an eco place which served vegetarian food. My son was a bit dismissive but he's young. My partner found the food choices hilarious. It was the cruelty of his laughter that pissed me off. So we needed up at another place where the only non meat options for me were nut roast or scampi (I'm pescatarian).

I pointed this out to him later that he made no effort to even read the bloody menu properly (there was nice looking stuff on there) and then was thoughtless about the choice for me where we did go.

I just want peace and quiet. Space to read a book.

We were in bed later on Sunday afternoon. I made him cum (we never have penetrative sex as he loses his erection which he's never bothered to investigate at the GP) but he couldn't get me off. It was just annoying like being masturbated by a sewing machine. Way too fast. Not sexy. I tried to suggest things but he kept just going back to what he was doing and not listening. I told him to stop in the end.

I genuinely think he'd be shocked if he knew how desperately unhappy he makes me. Or rather every interaction with him is a chore not a delight. I'm not sure what keeps me in the relationship apart from I'm unsure how much of it is me and not him. He's always treated me badly and I've put up with it. I've dumped him twice but he weedles his way back in. I think I'm resigned to it never ending unless he decides it's over. It would be complicated as well as while I don't work with him directly we are at the same company.

I know what I should do but I feel so desperately trapped. I think as I said on the title it's gone beyond sexuality questions now. More that I just really don't want to be with him but if I'm honest I don't want to be with anyone. I'm so much happier on my own.

[MarieGreen]

I think after reflecting on it, what bothers me is I don't feel like I can be myself around him and be loved for that. It's ridiculed if anything. But I think that's because of how much I've changed and how amenable I was early in our relationship.

[moonbynight]

I kind of feel the same way.

I've been separated for 2 years, divorced for a month, and I've found I don't really have a pressing desire to date or have a relationship.

It's not that I hate the idea. I like the idea of a *good* relationship, where we actually enjoy being around eachother more often than not, and are able to share the workload equitably and so forth. There is someone I have a sort-of relationship with that I wouldn't mind becoming more than sort-of. And if there's one person, I acknowledge the possibility of the same potential with others.

But I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of a relationship. I don't want to be putting in the work of a relationship if I'm not getting something at least roughly equivalent in return. The process of dating sounds exhausting, demoralizing, and impractical with my current life situation. If I did end up in a relationship again, I'd strongly prefer my own space, whether it's living separately, or at least having my own room, and I'd be very hesitant about marrying or combining finances.

I don't know if any of this will change once I've been single longer and have had more time to heal from my previous relationship.

[letsbefriends1st]

@moonbynight I haven’t went through and read all your posts to know the whole situation but maybe this is your time to heal and live your best life for you! I’ve been with the same man for 20 years and just recently have told him I am
done and want a divorce. I can’t do “us” anymore and I’m tired of not being happy.
As far as relationships go, maybe you’re still just so exhausted from all the effort and everything you had put into your marriage, that your cup is empty and you need to refill it by doing things you love and enjoy. The thought of any other possible relationship is exhausting, and perhaps our mindset could be that we have this stigmatism of every relationship ending the same as our past ones. So take some time for you and I think that when you’re ready and find the right one, things will effortlessly fall into place and you’ll just know—you’ll get out of it what you’re putting into it. Many to all you ladies as we travel through the shitshow of life