You’re a polyamorous pan woman on an app

[delevigne-fan]

Or you’re bisexual.

Your profile says you are new to women, you don’t have a man but you do date them.
You match with a bisexual woman who also mentions dating men in her profile, poly and intimacy with women.

What do you do next?
What is the norm here or the expectation or experience?
Remember this is a specific type of bi/pan woman, one involved with men too. She’s not an exclusive lesbian - men or a male partner is part of her life.
She may be you. What do you advise her or someone who is fairly similar to her?

[RedRosa]

...What do you advise her or someone who is fairly similar to her?

Get organized!

[Orla]

She’s not an exclusive lesbian - men or a male partner is part of her life.

If a woman IDs as lesbian, she’s a lesbian. If a woman IDs as bi or pan, she’s bi or pan.

To me, this is kind of getting into the “if a queer/bi/pan/sapphic woman has a male partner she’s in a heterosexual relationship” discourse. This is false. Queer/bi/pan/sapphic women are those identities regardless of who they’re involved with. Their relationships are aren’t heterosexual because they are aren’t straight.

I’m not trying to say you’re saying this or put words into your mouth, just that I’ve heard rhetoric along these lines before. My take is: queer (or pick your identity) people are queer at all times, no matter who they’re with.

[delevigne-fan]

...What do you advise her or someone who is fairly similar to her?

Get organized!

Agree!

[delevigne-fan]

Re other post

It’s just a light hearted post

I marched with a poly pan woman who had those words in her profile

She dates men, prefers them etc etc

[delevigne-fan]

Looks like she’s looking for someone to be with her male partner.
I think I can see why she described herself that way. She says she’s a pansexual “cuckquean”.
While I’m not into couples I’m also part of a couple. And if she’s pansexual. I might be interested in her. She probably plays alone too. I don’t mind men watching.
Swinger couples often have bi females in them.
I’ve been to a swingers club but was only with my male partner. But totally open to pansexual/bisexual women who are sex positive and open to women just like them.

[delevigne-fan]

I don’t want to talk to men though on apps.
I don’t want to have sex with her man while she watches.
I’m interested in the woman.
And rather the male partners can watch.
I’m open to watch a couple too and even be with my male partner, but not be with her man.
I know exactly what I’m looking for and what my boundary is.

[delevigne-fan]

I was talking to one or two single men who were pretending to be bi women with male partners. I removed the dating app. I may start again at some point.

[delevigne-fan]

She’s not an exclusive lesbian - men or a male partner is part of her life.

If a woman IDs as lesbian, she’s a lesbian. If a woman IDs as bi or pan, she’s bi or pan.

To me, this is kind of getting into the “if a queer/bi/pan/sapphic woman has a male partner she’s in a heterosexual relationship” discourse. This is false. Queer/bi/pan/sapphic women are those identities regardless of who they’re involved with. Their relationships are aren’t heterosexual because they are aren’t straight.

I’m not trying to say you’re saying this or put words into your mouth, just that I’ve heard rhetoric along these lines before. My take is: queer (or pick your identity) people are queer at all times, no matter who they’re with.

At the time this was written I didn’t respond to this as I thought it was missing the light-hearted context of the post entirely and had no real connection to the thread’s intention at all. And yes I was surprised at what you wrote and wondered about the point of it.

I’m confident now though and will answer.

Yes, people’s identities are their own. But they’re also subject to change and flexible - no matter the label they are using.
I go by many labels - bi, heteromantic/flexible, mostly straight. Never “queer” and I’ve never met a bisexual woman in my country who uses that label yet, they always say they’re bisexual, apart from one who was bisexual/pansexual and flexible with the label she used.

[Lilianna]

I was talking to one or two single men who were pretending to be bi women with male partners. I removed the dating app. I may start again at some point.

Ugh, I am so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm very grateful you shared it because honestly it would not have occurred to me that men would do this, so creepy.