Friendships and when they fade

[Orla]

I’ve been sitting with this for a while. I’ve always had close friends, friend groups, and a social life, but in my forties I have fewer friends now than at any other time in my life. In some cases people have moved for work or family. In other cases we’ve grown apart.

I still have several people with whom I am very close, people who I can count on to be there for me if I needed them. I know how lucky I am to be able to say that.

But the last time I heard from one of those people was in April, and it’s been weighing on my heart. She has left me on read for months (over a pretty basic text) and while I’m resigned to the fact that with every day that passes it’s more likely she’s gone from my life, it does hurt a great deal.

Even a year or two ago, I would have reached out to her again. But at this point I know deeply that silence is often an answer, just not the one anyone wants. I’m not interested in trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t value me as much as I do them.

This is someone I’ve been friends with since college, someone I counted as one of my best friends. She (at one time) felt the same. We haven’t lived in the same city for some time, but when we FaceTimed it was often for hours.

I’m someone who nearly always prefers total honesty over deception, even if it’s going to hurt. In this case, I really don’t want to know. My deepest fear is that I’m unlikable in a way that I can’t parse or attempt to fix.

I also know that my situation—a shrinking friend number— isn’t that uncommon in women my age. I imagine the truth of why she ghosted has little to do with me and more that she’s prone to being overwhelmed with work and family stuff. But still. Everyone wants to feel that they matter, that they’d be missed if they weren’t around. I very rarely feel “seen” anymore and it’s left a hole in my heart. My friendships have always been one of the most important aspects of my life.

While this is posted in questions/answers, I have neither of those.

[VirgoGirl]

I hear you. I used to have so many friends in my early twenties...partying, having get togethers, going out and having fun. But as time went by, we drifted apart and now I don't have that many left. Currently I have only 2 friends that I know I can really depend on. My best friend passed away a year ago
My other best friend relocated to another country and sadly, the same as you, left me on "read" on a whatsapp message a month ago as well. One of the 2 friends I do have is my ex girlfriend who has become a real close friend now that I can depend on, which is a blessing. I also still have a few friends from highschool on facebook that i keep in touch with...2 of them i know i can depend on being there for me if i'm ever really in a rut, i'm lucky. But our lives are so busy, we rarely get together...1 of them i've bern friends with since i was 13 and the other since I was 6.

People change constantly. Sometimes when we change, we adapt and stay together cause the bond is too strong or we take seperate paths. Sometimes people enter our lives at a time we really need them and when they have served their purpose, both move on. I have been hurt a lot by friends as well. I keep my circle small and there's less drama.

I'm sorry for the way your friend treated you. I, for one, would never treat a friend like that. This person is not a friend and not worth your time or energy. You are important and you are missed by the people who really love you

[Kea]

I also know that my situation—a shrinking friend number— isn’t that uncommon in women my age. I imagine the truth of why she ghosted has little to do with me and more that she’s prone to being overwhelmed with work and family stuff. But still. Everyone wants to feel that they matter, that they’d be missed if they weren’t around. I very rarely feel “seen” anymore and it’s left a hole in my heart. My friendships have always been one of the most important aspects of my life.

While this is posted in questions/answers, I have neither of those.

Big hugs for you. Friendships often provide a sense of belonging, and when they dissolve, we might feel unmoored and uncertain about our place in the world. It’s a reminder to all of us the impermanence of relationships and can trigger reflections on our own growth and changes.

Allowing ourselves to grieve the loss, while also being open to new connections, can help us navigate these feelings over time. In my culture, we drink when we grieve. I will drink for you tonight.

Take it easy C. And take care.

[MarieGreen]

I'm terrible at friendships and actually starting to wonder if there is something neuroatypical about me (Asperger's etc). I love people, care about people and think of myself as caring. But if I don't see or talk to you for two years I might not even notice. It's not deliberate, I just have a huge and exhausting internal life and a busy external day to day one too.

I actually see my running friends the most but am I really close to them? No. Albeit I have helped two of them when at crisis point so maybe they see me differently

I find sometimes that in a crisis the people you thought were close aren't always the first ones to help. But people you perhaps weren't as close to, step up.

Could it be that none of this is personal? And that this is all ok?

[Orla]

Could it be that none of this is personal? And that this is all ok?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not personal.

But “this is all okay”? I mean. In the grand scheme of things it might be, but on a personal level, I think my post made it pretty clear that I’m struggling to come to terms with it. To quote All Too Well, “I might be okay but I’m not fine at all.” And I don’t have to be fine or okay right now because emotions are messy and it’s going to take time.

[Ripley]

Me and my partner had an issue with one of her friends who we both knew well.

My partner has become more herself as we have been together and its lovely to see.

A friend of hers allegedly said something about me saying “it was all my fault” she had changed.

I don’t know for certain that its true but the last time we saw this “friend” they were very different with us and off.

It hurts when you think you know somebody and dont and the loss of a friendship can be devastating.

It wasnt the loss of them in this case more what they said cut quite deep.

[Orla]

I’m filling in context that may not be there (please correct me if so) but it sounds like this is a straight former friend who had some bi/queerphobia happening?

I’m sorry that you and your partner experienced that, regardless.

[MarieGreen]

Could it be that none of this is personal? And that this is all ok?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not personal.

But “this is all okay”? I mean. In the grand scheme of things it might be, but on a personal level, I think my post made it pretty clear that I’m struggling to come to terms with it. To quote All Too Well, “I might be okay but I’m not fine at all.” And I don’t have to be fine or okay right now because emotions are messy and it’s going to take time.

Sorry I didn't mean that you have to feel ok about it. But that as part of your recovery from this situation that concluding it's not personal could be very healing and eventually feel ok for you.

[Orla]

Could it be that none of this is personal? And that this is all ok?

Sorry I didn't mean that you have to feel ok about it. But that as part of your recovery from this situation that concluding it's not personal could be very healing and eventually feel ok for you.

Thank you for clarifying your meaning!

[Ripley]

I’m filling in context that may not be there (please correct me if so) but it sounds like this is a straight former friend who had some bi/queerphobia happening?

I’m sorry that you and your partner experienced that, regardless.

You are spot on. This friend left her on read and we since found out she blocked her on whatsapp. I mean at least have the decency to hash it out and tell her why you’re blocking.

People change and move on or life gets in the way. Ive never understood just ghosting people.

I am sorry to hear about your own situation. Dont let others dim your light. I like to think when people grind me down, i try shine brighter to show em im still here.

I havent fully mastered this skill but im getting better.